• Jill

I Don't want to Touch My Own Body

Can you relate? Have you ever had a point in your life when you felt so disgusted with your body you couldn’t even touch it? When my body dysmorphia was at its worst, I didn’t want to (or anyone else) touch my body. I hated how I looked. Hell, I even hated the way my shadow looked on the ground. If I felt I looked good when I left the house, I would see my shadow (just like Punxsutawney Phil) and start picking it apart (except Phil never did that. Can you imagine that version of “Groundhogs Day”) I was definitely uncomfortable in my body.

If someone touched my arm, leg, or even gave me a hug, all I could think about was how, I felt bad for that person because they had to touch such a fatty. brain was really f*cked up. It’s amazing how I could get myself into such a state that my first reaction is, sympathy for the person hugging me. Well, gather round children let Aunt Jill tell you a story.

I was a shy, kinda weird (I’m still weird, but now I am proud of it.) kid that kept to myself a lot. Because of this I was always afraid the other kids would make fun of me. So, what I use to do (and I thought I was a genius for doing this) was make fun of myself. I would say your fat, ugly, stupid, weird, and no one wants to be your friend. Obviously, the more I said those things, the more I believed it. I sabotaged myself. Of course at the time I didn’t feel that way. I thought I was protecting myself from getting hurt.

Over, the years of putting myself down and growing into the awkward teenager and then into an adult, the negative comments just grew and morphed into straight up hatred for every part of my body and mind. I couldn’t look in a mirror or touch my body without thinking “you’re disgusting how could you do this to yourself.” Reading, those words now makes me wonder how I ever got out of that world and into the one I am in now, where I love myself and body.

The biggest part of my change was the day I was able to touch my body without being disgusted. Yep, that’s right touching my body helped me overcome my body dysmorphia. I know it is mind blowing. Mine sure was.

Once, I realized how evil the scale was and that it was messing with my head, I needed a new way to gauge if I was losing fat. My body will lose fat in my arms first. From there I lose it in my upper stomach, lower stomach, and then hips and thighs (on a side note I refer to my outer thighs as saddlebags). I can now look in the mirror to see how my arms are progressing. The same is true for my upper stomach, because I can see my two pack. My lower stomach, hips, and thighs are harder to tell if I am losing fat with a mirror. I use how my jeans fit to tell if I am losing fat but, I needed something else. That is when I started to touch, those body parts.

At first it was strange to touch my saddlebags, but I noticed they started to get smaller. From there my hips started to get slimmer. One day, I was on the elliptical and put my hand on my hip and I thought, I was never able to feel my hip bone before. Slowly, I was getting smaller, but also my desire to want to touch my body grew. I enjoyed feeling the progress my body was making.

After a while of feeling myself up (yeah I chuckled after I wrote that) I got to learn what my body was doing. I knew when I put a little bit of fat back on. Usually, it is when I am getting ready for my period or when I ate a little more of something then I typically would (and I was quite happy eating the food because I wanted it). I also, knew when the fat came back off. My hips I have learned have become my biggest gage as to when I lose and gain fat.

It has been said that your body is your temple. In that case get to know your temple. See what wonderful things it has to offer and what you can learn from it. I promise it will help you achieve your weight loss goals.

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